Human Mating Rituals: Part One

Like most possums, I enjoy digging through human rubbish. Unlike most possums, this rubbish includes the junk mail folders of the humans that I have chosen to inflict myself upon.

Check out what I found in Mister Sensitive's junk mail:

Ha! This was attached to an email from a "Hot SWF,22" that answered Mister Sensitive's desperate plea for help- I mean his craigslist ad.

Hi, I wonder what you look like. Do you have a six-figure job? I have a 38-29-36 figure.

Bwahahaha!

Dude, you are an old man and you own nothing of value. Girls who look like 'Yuki' (above) are never going to fuck you unless you pay them- and you are broke! Hahaha!

(I notice you discarded the email but you kept the pic. What's up with that, eh?)

Mr.S doesn't know this, but 'Yuki' is , in reality, a nasty-ass possum not unlike yours truly...'Yuki' and 'Sasha' and 'Alexis' and 'Tami', they are all possums posing as human beings in order to get your credit card number...and yeah, some of them might be female,but I wouldn't fuck them - and I eat out of dumpsters, so that should tell you something, right?

I gotta laugh because Mr. S.is a total pussy. After he placed his ad, he got a lot of email (mostly spam) but he actually hit it off with a few allegedly 'real' women, yet he managed to fuck up each and every one before he got any tail.

One woman wanted to meet him for drinks, and you know what Mr. Sensitive told her?

He told her he didn't drink! What a dumbfuck!...anyway, she asked why, and for some reason, he told her about his past as an alcoholic. She, of course, ended the conversation right then and there...duh. Kind of a no-brainer, really.

What he should have done is made arrangements with the bartender ahead of time- Mr. S would order "bourbon and coke" but the bribed barkeep would put the extra bourbon into S's date's drink and serve S a straight cola. That way, she wouldn't know that he can't drink and she'd get twice as drunk as she had planned, which is something even a guy like Mr. S. ought to be able to take advantage of...but no...he didn't do that.

Man, doesn't he know anything? If you really, truly, want something, the best way to get it is to find someone weaker and more vulnerable than yourself who has what you want. Then you find their weakness and exploit it until you get what you need - when you are done, you vanish into a hole in the ground and laugh at the misery you have caused. Duh.

Man, I sure am glad that I can meet my needs with stuff I drag out of trash cans and landfills...it beats the hell out of the Internet.

Do Possums Attack Humans?

Yes, they do. My name is Earth Possum and I'm getting ready to attack a human right now. Specifically, I'm planning to maul the guy that writes my other blog. Most likely, you've never heard of him- and that's the way I wanted it- but lately , he's been generating a rather unsavory buzz. Check out these excerpts from his fan mail:

..."you are very kind-hearted and funny, thank you for helping"..." what you wrote... really touched me"..." thank you, for that...it meant a lot to me"...

First, this dude should never, ever get fan mail. He's a blogger. His job is to do my bitching for me and that's it. Period.

If I hire you to bitch for me and you get emails using words like "sensitive" and "kind-hearted", then you suck at your job and your incompetence makes me angry...and when I get angry, I like to bite people.

This time,I think I'll rub some of his shaving cream on my muzzle before I bite him, make the poor bastard get a series of painful rabies shots, hehehe...see, I'm a mean bastard of a possum and I get mad when my proxies turn into wussified wimps.

Anyway, before you start feeling sorry for that dude, there are a few things you should know about him: First off, his blog used to be full of mean-spirited attacks on other humans- usually politicians, but sometimes he'd lash out at a celebrity or even another blogger! He was mean and personal and made a lot of offensive remarks, especially during the 2004 elections But then he quit drinking and mellowed out a bit and the blog really started to suck and go downhill...in 2004, we got death threats...in 2009 he gets labeled "sensitive." The mission, as I see it, is breaking down.

Anyway, let me continue my attack- this "mister sensitive" fellow doesn't even believe in God - he doesn't even like religion in general ,mostly because of the 'conflicts' it causes- typical mamby-pamby peacenik bullshit.
He thinks people would actually get along more "harmoniously" if nobody believed in any sort of god...deep down inside, he thinks it's all a bit silly, but as long as his friends are happy, he tries to get along.

Me, I gotta admit that I'm not a Christian either, but I'm a possum and you humans tend to give us so-called "lower life-forms" a free pass when it comes to piety and church-going.

I sometimes get the impression that your love doesn't include critters great and not-so-great, in fact, the last time I went to church, some sanctimonious handyman tried to poison me with warfarin pellets. So fuck church.

But the point is: it's not my job to write that.
I have humans to do that for me- or so I thought!

Here's a good example of why he needs to go: He's been trying to 'date' lately, and he met a woman on the internet who wanted to have sex with him and he turned her down because he felt guilty or something...anyway, he should have just screwed her and then refused to return her calls or answer her mail -and he should have blogged the whole thing in gory, hurtful detail and maybe even posted some 'fattish fetish' pics-I mean, the dude seems to be missing the whole point of everything:

-Religion was created so people had a reason to riot before God invented soccer.

-It's funny to make fun of troubled people, especially on the internet.

- Ridicule is a dish best served anonymously.

My 'writer' no longer seems to grasp these concepts fully.

Even worse, he exposes scams! Personally, I'd be a lot happier if he exploited them instead, me being a scavenger and all.

To summarize, I'm relieving him of his spleen-venting duties. His new job will be writing cute blurbs about obscure music that only he -and maybe one other person- care about.

If you want the dirt- the real stuff- you come see ole Earth Possum. He knows what you need.