Sunday, July 12, 2009

Do Possums Attack Humans?

Yes, they do. My name is Earth Possum and I'm getting ready to attack a human right now. Specifically, I'm planning to maul the guy that writes my other blog. Most likely, you've never heard of him- and that's the way I wanted it- but lately , he's been generating a rather unsavory buzz. Check out these excerpts from his fan mail:

..."you are very kind-hearted and funny, thank you for helping"..." what you wrote... really touched me"..." thank you, for that...it meant a lot to me"...

First, this dude should never, ever get fan mail. He's a blogger. His job is to do my bitching for me and that's it. Period.

If I hire you to bitch for me and you get emails using words like "sensitive" and "kind-hearted", then you suck at your job and your incompetence makes me angry...and when I get angry, I like to bite people.

This time,I think I'll rub some of his shaving cream on my muzzle before I bite him, make the poor bastard get a series of painful rabies shots, hehehe...see, I'm a mean bastard of a possum and I get mad when my proxies turn into wussified wimps.

Anyway, before you start feeling sorry for that dude, there are a few things you should know about him: First off, his blog used to be full of mean-spirited attacks on other humans- usually politicians, but sometimes he'd lash out at a celebrity or even another blogger! He was mean and personal and made a lot of offensive remarks, especially during the 2004 elections But then he quit drinking and mellowed out a bit and the blog really started to suck and go downhill...in 2004, we got death threats...in 2009 he gets labeled "sensitive." The mission, as I see it, is breaking down.

Anyway, let me continue my attack- this "mister sensitive" fellow doesn't even believe in God - he doesn't even like religion in general ,mostly because of the 'conflicts' it causes- typical mamby-pamby peacenik bullshit.
He thinks people would actually get along more "harmoniously" if nobody believed in any sort of god...deep down inside, he thinks it's all a bit silly, but as long as his friends are happy, he tries to get along.

Me, I gotta admit that I'm not a Christian either, but I'm a possum and you humans tend to give us so-called "lower life-forms" a free pass when it comes to piety and church-going.

I sometimes get the impression that your love doesn't include critters great and not-so-great, in fact, the last time I went to church, some sanctimonious handyman tried to poison me with warfarin pellets. So fuck church.

But the point is: it's not my job to write that.
I have humans to do that for me- or so I thought!

Here's a good example of why he needs to go: He's been trying to 'date' lately, and he met a woman on the internet who wanted to have sex with him and he turned her down because he felt guilty or something...anyway, he should have just screwed her and then refused to return her calls or answer her mail -and he should have blogged the whole thing in gory, hurtful detail and maybe even posted some 'fattish fetish' pics-I mean, the dude seems to be missing the whole point of everything:

-Religion was created so people had a reason to riot before God invented soccer.

-It's funny to make fun of troubled people, especially on the internet.

- Ridicule is a dish best served anonymously.

My 'writer' no longer seems to grasp these concepts fully.

Even worse, he exposes scams! Personally, I'd be a lot happier if he exploited them instead, me being a scavenger and all.

To summarize, I'm relieving him of his spleen-venting duties. His new job will be writing cute blurbs about obscure music that only he -and maybe one other person- care about.

If you want the dirt- the real stuff- you come see ole Earth Possum. He knows what you need.

5 comments:

  1. Woo hoo! First comment on the first post! I win at life!

    Okay, now I'll go back and finish reading it.

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  2. Actually, possums have a wicked set of teeth in them. Hope this blog serves its purpose for you!

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  3. I think you guys missed a great opportunity in naming this blog:ROADKILL.Cause in Texas that's what you'd be in about 3 days..maybe 4..but because you're a friend of my friend...I won't run over you with my truck..

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  4. SAW- The prize is in the mail. Thank you for the compliment on my gnashers...I consider them to be one of my more attractive features.

    YDG- I ain't scared, you humans can't drive worth fuck. I can steer better with my tail than mostof you can with both hands.
    At the top of this blog it says "Friend of humanity"...that doesn't include "that guy". He's a wimp that thinks possums are cute.

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  5. Well this should be interesting.

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