Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Human Mating Rituals: Part One

Like most possums, I enjoy digging through human rubbish. Unlike most possums, this rubbish includes the junk mail folders of the humans that I have chosen to inflict myself upon.

Check out what I found in Mister Sensitive's junk mail:

Ha! This was attached to an email from a "Hot SWF,22" that answered Mister Sensitive's desperate plea for help- I mean his craigslist ad.

Hi, I wonder what you look like. Do you have a six-figure job? I have a 38-29-36 figure.

Bwahahaha!

Dude, you are an old man and you own nothing of value. Girls who look like 'Yuki' (above) are never going to fuck you unless you pay them- and you are broke! Hahaha!

(I notice you discarded the email but you kept the pic. What's up with that, eh?)

Mr.S doesn't know this, but 'Yuki' is , in reality, a nasty-ass possum not unlike yours truly...'Yuki' and 'Sasha' and 'Alexis' and 'Tami', they are all possums posing as human beings in order to get your credit card number...and yeah, some of them might be female,but I wouldn't fuck them - and I eat out of dumpsters, so that should tell you something, right?

I gotta laugh because Mr. S.is a total pussy. After he placed his ad, he got a lot of email (mostly spam) but he actually hit it off with a few allegedly 'real' women, yet he managed to fuck up each and every one before he got any tail.

One woman wanted to meet him for drinks, and you know what Mr. Sensitive told her?

He told her he didn't drink! What a dumbfuck!...anyway, she asked why, and for some reason, he told her about his past as an alcoholic. She, of course, ended the conversation right then and there...duh. Kind of a no-brainer, really.

What he should have done is made arrangements with the bartender ahead of time- Mr. S would order "bourbon and coke" but the bribed barkeep would put the extra bourbon into S's date's drink and serve S a straight cola. That way, she wouldn't know that he can't drink and she'd get twice as drunk as she had planned, which is something even a guy like Mr. S. ought to be able to take advantage of...but no...he didn't do that.

Man, doesn't he know anything? If you really, truly, want something, the best way to get it is to find someone weaker and more vulnerable than yourself who has what you want. Then you find their weakness and exploit it until you get what you need - when you are done, you vanish into a hole in the ground and laugh at the misery you have caused. Duh.

Man, I sure am glad that I can meet my needs with stuff I drag out of trash cans and landfills...it beats the hell out of the Internet.

5 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. No one you meet under false pretenses is going to work out anyway. better to just keep being honest. (I have to answer directly because I can't bring myself to pretend I'm talking to a possum).

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  3. YDG- Cook me? Every time I try to get in his kitchen, he hits me with a broom.

    SAW- That's what S keeps sayin', but he ain't gettin any...you guys say "false pretenses", I say "time-honored tradition".

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  4. She is kinda hot though... I think I woulda kept the picture too.
    :D

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